Arre, deva, it was an arranged marriage! In fact, I had arranged it a long time ago in my mind... that I will marry an NRI and settle in the US. Bus, bahut hogaya naach gaana. And I always believed that there is someone somewhere who would flash a Green Card and sweep me off my feet.

My Saajan who is a surgeon!

My Mr Right whom I married according to vedic rites! I searched for him in Alaska, Atlanta and Amboli... but found him next to my brother Ajit in Los Angeles. Ooska Dil To Paagal Hai hai... aur thoda shortsighted bhi hai! His name is Dr Sriram Nene, but don't go by his double denial surname.

Because, right from our first meeting, it was "haan haan" and never "ne ne" from his side. My brother, who is a computer engineer, introduced me to him. So we spoke in bits and bytes on our first date and realised that we were as compatible as Intel chips with Windows. It was instant Yaarana thereafter. Soon he became the doctor of my Dil, though I found his idea of romance quite strange. Like, he would send me love notes on his prescription pad. But you know how these doctors are - nobody can understand their handwriting. So I would rush to the nearest medical shop and request them to decipher his romantic scribblings. Once he asked me "Hum Aapke Hain Koun?" and checked my pulse! My reply was immediate: "Aap Hamare Hain Sanam!" You see, I have studied micro-biology - so we vibe well.

But Dr Nene is sometimes very forgetful. Like when my family asked for his horoscope, he gave them his stethoscope! That caused a little confusion because my mother was a bit worried how this girl from Cinemascope will live with a man whose horoscope is scribbled on his stethoscope! But I had made up my mind - it was either Dr Nene or a bottle of Tezaab that I threatened to gulp down with shrikhand-puri and masala bhaath. I felt so helpless that I even called up Rakeshnath, my personal secretary, and asked him what I should do - "Aiy aiyya, karu mai kya Rikku Rikku?" Fortunately, everything got sorted out and we got
married. And guess what? Now I have medical insurance for life!

So what happens now to my film career? Well, there is Pukaar, and hopefully it will be released before I get ek-sau-chaar-bukhaar. But what will I do with that old man with a paintbrush? He says he is crazy about me and makes a film titled Gaja Gamini, which, I am told, means "she who walks like an elephant"!   Wonder from which angle I look like an elephant to him. I think M F Husain should get his eyes checked. But now I hear that he conned me into doing his film only after Guddi Maruti turned him down. I feel cheated but now that I am married, I will only do worthwhile films - meaning films that are worth my while. After all, Mumbai-Los Angeles flight tickets cost a bomb.

So I will do Sooraj Barjatya's next film only if it's titled Hum Sirf Ek Akele Hain. Because nobody knows that the original title of Hum Saath Saath Hain was Hum Chhappan Saath Hain, since the film has 56 characters in all.

As for Ajay Jadeja, with whom I was supposed to do a film, he's been sent back to the pavilion. Hopefully, for somebody who has carved his own Wajood as a cricketer, Jaddu will just grin and bear with his zero score in Bollywood. But what will I do with all those patrakars who write such rotten things about me? Everytime I went to America, they got me married off to somebody.

I got so sick of it that I finally did just that - got married to somebody in America! Now I hope they will stop writing rubbish about me - these people should be given Mrityudand. Now I am sure that everytime I go to the hospital to meet my husband, they will say I am having a Beta. Ohh, these Khal-Nayaks!

With Love
Madhuri Dixit

If Bill Gates marries Madhuri Dixit, Dave Letterman would say ...